Let's talk about gay sex and Mark Smith and Smith's School of English

We hate Mark Smith. We hate Smith's School of English. But we LOVE gay sex. So we will talk about gay sex on this page.

There are two things Smithwatch and I do. We fight Smith and we enjoy gay sex. Now let's talk about gay sex.

ANAL SEX:

First time advice for gay anal sex

Anal sex is often seen as the definitive form of gay love-making. You might think, and be pressured to think, that if you’re not doing it, be you top, bottom or versatile, you must be some sort of second rate closet case. But is it for you? It can hurt (a lot) at first, comes as something of a shock to the system, and might well be termed an acquired taste. If you fancy it, here are a few tips on how to begin to acquire it.

Spend time on your own discovering your anus before having sex with others. Run a bath and get naked. Go to the toilet. Then put some lube on a finger, work it around the outer anus, stay there awhile, and start pushing it in.

The sensations you get might already be quite intense. If you’re unsettled, use your other hand to masturbate and reassure yourself with feelings with which you’re familiar. Allow yourself to enjoy the new feelings. Relax and feel free to fantasise. Explore and get a sense of the shape and texture inside you. Then, when you’re comfortable, try inserting a second finger. Be careful, but rest assured your anus can certainly cope with this.

When you withdraw you might feel you want to defecate again. This is normal. Probably nothing will happen. If anything does, don’t worry. It will clean up when you’re done and there’s no shame attached. It’s just a reflex reaction.

You might also want to experiment with something more life-size. If so, use a proper dildo – not a deodorant canister or a cucumber. You don't want to scratch the lining of your anus or have something nasty break off in there. And, yes, the guy in the sex shop may well take one look at you and know exactly where it’s going to end up. But so what? He’s seen it all already. Just acknowledge to yourself that you’re doing this as part of your exploration of yourself as gay.

When using the dildo, begin again with your fingers and use a lot of lube. You need to find a relaxed position. Sitting with your ass to one side can work well. If you’re standing, make sure your legs remain relaxed. If they tense, the sphincter will follow. Push it in slowly. Don’t force it. Don’t sit on it.

When you encounter resistance, pause, relax. If you push your anus towards the dildo, as if you were pushing faeces out, you might find you open more easily. Still, however gently you go, you can expect a pop. There might well be a moment of pain. After this, the rest will probably slip in a lot more easily.

The sensations that follow are complex. When you relax, the pain will probably abate and give way to a sense of elation. It can feel breathtakingly high, as if every connection in your body and brain just started firing. Your instinct might be immediately to masturbate and cum in a way more dazzling than you ever have before. One thing you are doing now is learning to ride this pleasure.

Move the dildo slowly and give yourself time to get used to it. It might be that’s enough for the moment, or it might be that you want to experience a faster pace – the pace of sex – and for as long as it would take a man fucking you to cum. If it’s the latter you want, be careful. The dildo can go as fast and as hard as you make it and experience no pain of its own. In other words, a dildo is NOT the same as a penis. Also, the loose skin around the shaft of a penis will lessen the friction on the anus, even though the head might be pumping quite hard and your buttocks might be getting a pounding.

Get ready to make some noise, and some pretty weird facial expressions. The feelings may become intense to the point of mindlessness. You might start groaning, shrieking, gurgling, sobbing...There comes a point when it is as if there is a barrier to cross. The feeling of being about to explode might make you stop. Or you can cross that barrier to find a further degree of elation.

At last, there is a point where you level out. It is as if a plateau has been attained and no further ascent is possible. You might want to stay there a little while, as it were to admire the view, then pause and prepare for the final shock, which is when you withdraw. It is possible you might make a mess. In order not to feel anxious about this, have a towel down or do it over a toilet or an easily cleaned surface.

Be aware that, after the high, there is a downside. After using a dildo, just as after having sex, your anus might take time to close. You might need to spend time sitting on the toilet relaxing and calming down. Also, the mess you might make risks leading to feelings of shame and humiliation. Mentally, you might feel unfocused and ‘spaced’ for hours to follow.

Anal sex is not ‘natural’. It is allowed for – obviously – but hardly encouraged by nature. The aim is to pleasure ourselves to the utmost within the bounds of nature. [*see note]

And when you first have anal sex be prepared to make further discoveries. On the one hand, if you’re the bottom, you are showing that man something intimate about yourself. You are experiencing ecstatic sensations – and making those noises and faces again – with him watching you. And you have to want him to do that. On the other, you’ll be seeing someone else working his way towards orgasm differently from what you’ll have seen and shared when masturbating or giving and receiving head.

Be prepared for the feeling of passivity. If you resist being passive and wanting him to do it to you, perhaps thinking that makes you less of a man, then, no matter your preparation, you’ll be in for a bad time. But if you accept all the feelings involved in having anal sex, then it can be wonderful.

*A visitor writes:

I read your article "First time advice for gay anal sex" and there was a comment in it that i would strongly like to challenge - "Anal sex is not 'natural'. It is allowed for - obviously - but hardly encouraged by nature. The aim is to pleasure ourselves to the utmost within the bounds of nature."

This is a contradiction, and doesn't make rational or literal sense. The definition of natural is: present in or produced by nature. The definition of nature is: the material world and its phenomena.

I would dare go as far as to say that such a comment as this is homophopic and highly offensive a misleading, especially when presented in such a manner that it denotes expertise and authority on the topic.

Bearcat and Smithwatch reply:

Thank you for your message. We are sorry to hear offence has been caused. That was certainly not the intention. We rather understood the inverted commas around the first use of the word 'natural' to signify nature as understood by those who ascribe intentionality to nature, often in a morally evaluative way. In this sense, of course, many eminently pleasurable aspects of our lives might not be considered 'natural'. ("If mother nature had meant us to fly to Barbados, she'd have given us wings and our skin would secrete its own sun screen" - and so on and so forth.)

Perhaps the assertion that anal sex is not 'encouraged' by nature might be rather too sweeping. One could, after all, go on to speculate that a hypothetically intentional nature could encourage anal sex, perhaps for much the same reasons as homosexuality can be said to be encouraged by nature, but the aim of the paragraph was to dismiss the significance of morally normative (and homophobic) views of the 'natural', rather than to risk bordering on the suggestion that all that is is 'natural' and *therefore* good, which would in our view be wrong.

The last use of the word natural in the paragraph seems more in accordance with the definition you propose. We would, though, wish to emphasise that the phrase 'the bounds of nature' is important, in that it is possible to damage oneself or others through incautious anal sex or anal play, at which point it might not be much consolation to think that potentially lifelong pain and discomfort is natural.

Enhancing gay sex positions: being a better bottom

Andy in New York has sent us in this piece about what the bottom can do to help make sex better. He writes: Although I don't like the labels of 'top' and 'bottom' and I believe that every gay man should experience being both, I myself prefer to bottom. All too often, bottoms just lie there and take it, but they don't really participate because they don't think that there is anything they can do. I disagree and the following is a list of things to try as a bottom.

1) GETTING HIS PENIS IN YOU - The first thing you need to know as a bottom, is that it does not have to hurt going in and your partner should not have to wince while trying to get it in. When you're both lubed up and ready to go, ask him to relax you. If you're not relaxed, it will be rough when he enters you. Take his hand or a couple of his fingers and gently lead them up and down your crack to your anus. Tops usually pick up on this and start by lubing up a couple of fingers and working your hole a little bit. This can be a big help, especially when you're with a big top. And when he goes to insert his member, push out slightly and then relax it as he enters you. Something so simple can make a very big difference and it's never a bad idea to slow it down by doing either of these two things. It gives you both more of a sensual experience.

2) WORK IT! - Even though it doesn't seem like you are in complete control, you are! It is you who decides when enough is enough and ultimately you who controls his pleasure. I have found that when you are in almost any position but especially when you are in the missionary position, all you need to do is use your own strength. Slowly push yourself toward him while he is inside you. This will let him know that you are enjoying it and want to participate more. This tends to be a shock to most tops, but none of them have complained so far!

3) TEASE HIM! - So many tops like to tease their partners, so why not return the exotic pleasure of a good tease? When you see or hear or feel that your partner is getting ready to shoot his wad, pull back or up depending on the position and force his member out of you. This is really only a good idea if you intimately know the person you're with and know his moans, groans and facial expressions. If you don't know what they are, then do not use this because then you might end up with him shooting and you still looking for the final blow yourself. So, use caution when proceeding with this suggestion. Learn your partner's ticks and see how you can work with them.

4) BE CREATIVE - Don't be afraid to suggest a different position or try something kinky. All too many bottoms feel that it's not their place to make sexual suggestions. Don't be a push-over, let your partner know that you want to try something new or put a spin on something old. You need to make sure that you are both satisfied and if things get boring in the bedroom, that is when tensions run high. So, be creative, try new things and discover things that you never thought you (as a bottom) were capable of.

Remember that you are in control! Make his experience great and let him know that he's not the only one expelling energy in the bedroom.

At the edge of the bed: relaxed oral

Yes, the height of the bed does matter. The penetrating partner might not be able to stand tall doing this one - and if that's what he wants, you might think: kitchen table. On the other hand, if kneeling doesn't quite raise him high enough, he'll need a few cushions and phone books Caveats aside, this is a truly inspired variation on the basic face fuck. It's easy to achieve, height of bed issues aside. The partner being penetrated lies back, his head falling over the bed's edge. He opens wide and relaxes, then the top, as we might as well call him, does his thing. The main advantage is that, with your head angled back, you can be penetrated deeper without the feeling that the back of your throat is being pummelled. It's relatively easy to relax in this position. Plus which, each partner gets a great view. There's one catch: if the receiver isn't relaxed, the gag reflex might set in. In this case, he should try yawning, to relax his mouth and throat, and stroking himself, to relax his body. He should probably not try to talk. Over the table If you like sex in which domination games play a big role, but aren’t inclined to elaborate this into leather, masks, cuffs, candles, wracks, or, for the truly perverse, the feather duster, try positions in which the top forcibly holds the bottom’s face and torso down against a table. For the bottom, it can be great, for both physical and psychological reasons, and often on the spur of the moment, to have your pants lowered, your top hitched over your head, and be pushed against a surface which is cooler than your skin and hard, prior to enjoying a no-nonsense pounding. There’s little room for play or reciprocity. It’s very much a case of one gives and the other receives. You surrender all control with regards to how fast or hard it will be – and if you ever find the phrase ‘making love’ gets you down, the only word for this is fucking. For the top, we’re touching on pre-AIDS erotica here. That’s to say: very butch, very macho. Sure, you’re free to stroke and massage your partner’s back, but this is in a way which implies control. It can be as if you are very much taking pleasure – from the feel of his skin and muscle, as from the ways you register how you are giving him pleasure, indeed, forcing pleasure upon him. Stroke in a way that feels powerful. Beyond that, such technique as there is can be pretty straight-forward. Position, aim, fire. You might like to think of, or even recite, a few of the clichés which populate adult, erm, literature – and which generally entail a fat, hard ten-inch (huh?) erection breaking and entering a tight, moist (double huh?) virgin hole. (Your decision here will determine whether this is to be a hard fuck or an ironic yet hard fuck.) Such activity must, of course, be consensual. Yes, it is about domination and submission, and it is also a game, which is to say: the power play happens within bounds. Paradoxically, allowing yourselves to go completely with top-bottom roles which are very much power-positions can lead to a greater feeling of content and equality in the rest of the relationship. It is rather as if each partner emerges from sex play like this, feeling that the extremes and potentially rival needs have been worked out. Take your seats You’re on the sofa, your hands start to wander, next thing you know you’ve got each other’s pants round your knees – and, well, it seems only right, after brisk oral entrée, to take it all in. Step 1. Stop right there! Get him to close his eyes, masturbate slowly and think of you while you dash – insofar as you can dash, your pants now having slipped to your ankles – for lube and condoms. (Note: if you’ve been particularly prescient, you can skip step 1.) Step 2. Have you ever done this? It’s exquisite. Not quite sitting up, not quite lying down, and with plenty of room to roll over, even cushions to play with. While he slouches back, kneel over him, then take in the whole depth and kiss him. Hold that kiss while you rock yourself and move up and down. Move slowly at first and duplicate the rhythm with your hands and lips and tongue. Then speed it up. Get him urgent. Keep varying the tempo. One of two things will happen. Either he’ll have to take over and be in control, at which point you can go passive and revel in his need to satisfy his need. Or he’ll (equally greedily) stay as he is and let you do the work, in which case you can let yourself go, making noise, going faster, even scratching him – really enjoying his passivity. If you try the sitting positions on an upright chair it can feel too contrived, though you can always imagine the chairs scene from Cabaret – or, for the arty types, a Theatre de Complicite production. On a sofa, however, it’s comfy. Harder to clean, should you make a mess, but that’s a separate issue.

Missionary position gay anal sex It’s true that the missionary position can lead to the most intimate love-making, allowing each man to see and be close to the other’s face, but that needn’t stop it being great sex. Indeed, with the closer emotional involvement, the physical sensations of sex are greatly enhanced. It helps at the start if the bottom can hold his own legs back. He should feel confident raising his anus and buttocks for his partner to see and appreciate. Don’t rely, in other words, on the top to do all the work. Help him enter you easily. The bottom might use his hands and arms to pull his knees close to his chest, or to support the raised lower back, or – if he’s sufficiently yogic – leave them rested on the bed, spread around him. Initially, and for the first minutes, each partner’s face and upper torso might seem a long way from the other’s. Be patient. Allow time for the sex to warm up with some deep, slow thrusts, the frictional sensations on either side joining with the satisfaction of filling and being filled. Relax into it and trust in your own and your partner’s feelings. Enjoy the physicality of sex and let your thoughts shift from any distractions left over from the day to focus wholly on what you’re doing now. Once the top has entered, the bottom is free to experiment with different ways of using his legs. He might pull them further back across his face and torso, open them wider or reach with them around his partner, resting his feet on his partner’s shoulders or cupping them around his head. (A way of practising this is to get good at shoulder stands, exploring how your centre of gravity shifts as you straighten and bend the legs and move them into different positions.) Don’t force your facial expression. If an enticing smile feels natural, fine, but don’t fake it. Allow your face to express your real feelings. Any contrived effects will detract from the intimacy you are achieving. The most beautiful stage of missionary position sex is when the top lowers himself to rest his chest on his partner’s and their heads – and all the sensory equipment there – come together. This is when the two men can feel they are fully moving together. When it is time to do this, the bottom should be able to keep his knees back without using his arms, and indeed hardly to be aware of the effort his muscles are making to do this. This allows each man to hold each other closely, for the top to wrap his arms around the bottom and the bottom to hug and stroke – and even scratch – the top’s torso. The degree of penetration might be lesser at first, but will increase, particularly as the top nears his orgasm. It is possible the penis might slip out, but the anus will be open and relaxed by now and entering again very easy. Because the faces are so close, the different feelings of each partner will tend to be readily shared and vicariously participated in by the other. The bottom, in other words, seems to feel the top’s orgasm himself. Because of this, it is wonderful for each if, after reaching orgasm, the top stays inside and the two men hold each other. To withdraw straight away would be, in a sense, to reject the shared feelings. After the energetic togetherness of sex, this is the time to be intimate quietly. Bottom on top For variety, a shift in perspective, or if one of you is an anal beginner, get the top to lie back and relax while the bottom rides him. It's a way for the bottom to feel in control, and to be in control of how he is penetrated. He can go down gradually, take the full length at the rate he wants it, and go as hard or as slow as he wishes in any moment. He can masturbate himself as well while he’s doing it, or have the top do that for him. His movement might be straight up and down, propelled through the knees, or use a gentle, rocking motion to enhance the sense of fluency and lower the impact, the sensation focused here on the prostate. He should ride him to pleasure himself. If at any point the top wants it harder, the bottom can hover while the top thrusts upward from below. It’s important for the bottom, who might be unused to setting the pace of sex, to feel confident doing what he wants, and to rest assured the top will be having a good time too, if one slightly different from his usual experience. Keep it up to the end – or if the leg muscles tire and the bottom feels he’s done quite enough work for one day, keep yourselves plugged while rolling over. 69 It seems a win-win situation. Each works on the other. Mouth and penis are satisfied. Each gives and receive at once. The trouble is, it can get confusing. How, after all, do you concentrate on giving a world-class blow-job when you’re writhing in the throws of what he’s giving you? True, side to side takes the pressure off, and for a languid, exploratory half hour can be about right, but if what you want is that pressure then someone’s going to have to be top. You might try this. As usual, the top is in charge – though the bottom needs to know and accept what he’s up to, which is to vary the focus between what he’s doing with his penis in the bottom’s mouth and with the bottom’s in his. When you’re top, you can just leave it there a lot of the time while you concentrate on giving the blow-job. Let the bottom simply enjoy the size and feel of your cock without feeling obliged to do anything with it. Don’t distract him (too much) from his genital sensations. But that’s not the whole story. You can vary it by ceasing to work on his penis while you thrust with yours into his mouth – or withdraw awhile and get him to want you back in. Interrupting the blow-job you’re giving him will complicate and heighten his pleasure. It’s like a shift in gear. While he’s spluttering hungrily on your thrusts he’ll have practically forgotten the other end – so when you resume he’ll be freshly alert to what’s going on there. And, of course, it doesn’t have to be only your penis you’re giving him. Especially as he’s nearing his climax, it can be glorious for both of you to give him your anus to lick and probe. Once he’s come, while the afterglow lingers, leave him your buttocks for him to nuzzle his face against. Stay lying on top of him so both of you can savour the reassuring pressure of your bodies against each other. Allow time for each of you to close your eyes and relax. Knees back? Legs up? Try both! Switching positions mid-process adds spice to your sex life, but if you’re not in a sex-tech mood can feel disruptive, in the absence of a good choreographer. Still, finding that same old position and staying there hours (optimistically thinking) can get dull. The answer? A third way for the third sex. With a few variations built on the initial topology, seamless continuity is readily achieved without the need to start planning supper. Let’s illustrate a typical session, based on the bottom-on-back, top-facing-bottom’s-face, foreplay assumed as understood, classic opening gambit. We’ll call the bottom ‘B’ and the top ‘T’. Two players. T and B to win. B lies back, head resting on one or more pillows, so he doesn’t have to strain to see T or to stroke himself. He lies a little way down from the headboard, assuming there is a bed, so that later, when the pillows are whisked away, he can lie back flat without the need for awkward repositioning reminiscent of an 8 legged creature trying to crawl. It's T to move. B helps him by holding his own knees close to his chest while T slips on a condom and lubricates himself and B. T enters, only a little at first, then with slow and increasingly firm thrusts achieves full penetration. They pause. Each side accustoms himself to his various sensations. T might choose to tease B a little, prolonging the wait, such that B has to coax him. Then he moves, suggesting initial, potential rhythms, alternating long, slow strokes with hard, full-length thrusts. T remains in a kneeling position. The sensations for each are building but not yet completely overwhelming. The reptile brain stirs, though the higher brain functions remain – both in control and as spectator. T then hooks his arms beneath B’s knees (well, it is) and lowers his face to touch noses, smiles, holds it a moment, and kisses B. There is contact and reassurance, re-associating for each partner the physical sensations of sex with their love for each other. B replies by cupping his hands behind T’s head to encourage the kiss to linger and become more passionate, then lightly strums along the ticklish sides of T’s torso to incite him further. T begins to thrust hard and rhythmically, hovering just above B, occasionally closing for skin on skin contact, chest to chest, which tends to lessen the degree of penetration. It’s vanilla sex so far, then they move out of the book. T ceases to thrust, withdrawing a little, holds it there, runs his lips across B’s ears and face, licking his eyes, then strains forward, as if moving his whole body upwards into B. He holds himself there long seconds, then raises himself, sits back, and in one smooth gesture lifts B’s legs so his knees hook across T’s shoulders. T sits back, head facing the ceiling, and rests his weight on his arms. Neither now can see much of the other. They close their eyes and give way to this form of slow and deep penetration, which lifts B’s buttocks on top of T’s groin, a confusion of T + B categories. Sound becomes a more privileged sense than sight as regards each man’s awareness of the other. Each feels both very privately located within his sensations and fantasies, and also entirely alert to the other. Time now for the penultimate movement – since chess has by now become music. T sits forward, holds B’s ankles, and strongly lifts his, B’s, legs, hauling him upwards. The sex is more vigorous now. There may even be snarling on one side, yelps and moans on the other. In theatrical terms, it’s Act V. But rather than end with explosion, there is one last twist, and romantic resolution, to follow. T senses his climax approaching. He stops. He waits. He pulls back from the edge, then lies across B and they hug and hold each other, kiss, and go slowly to the finish. Each shares T’s orgasm as a long consummation. The fun, the aggression, the sport, the irony are all played out. It’s a wave which swells then breaks as it hits the shore. The sound, no matter how loud, is hardly discernable, because it has been anticipated, longed for, almost heard already, understood by both as absolutely right. Stand up! Stand up for your love rights! If the bedroom isn’t currently an option – because it’s too far away from the kitchen, where the sight of him washing up naked or reaching down into the salad drawer simply demands that you put your arms around him and have sex now, or if you’re shopping or out at a party and having sex is suddenly imperative – now is your chance to take a break from the more-or-less horizontal positions and make love more-or-less standing up. It's a remarkably versatile position, or range of positions, allowing both top and bottom a degree of manoeuvre which is hard to achieve if one is literally the top and the other the bottom. Each partner can feel he is more actively pleasuring the other. Each can move at once, or one may remain still a moment while the other establishes and varies the rhythm. If you’re the bottom, experiment. Flex and stretch your legs and buttocks, sometimes tightening your hold on him, or teasing him, tensing your buttocks to push him a little away from your anus, sometimes bending forward and enjoying the depth of penetration he will then be able to achieve. Reach behind with your hands to caress him – and caress yourself. Hold his hands and move them around on your skin. If you’re the top, you’re both guiding your partner and following his lead. Avoid pushing him forward – let him do that when he wants to – but do take the time to slow down and hold him close against your chest and stomach. Rubbing your hands across his chest will feel incredibly sexy. Hold onto his penis and masturbate him. You might find you can move your pelvis a lot more fluently than you can while lying or kneeling because the whole of the leg is engaged in the action. Enjoy exploring these new ways to move. Each of you should find you’re more able to kiss and look at each other than you are while lying down with one facing downwards. The standing body is simply more flexible. Both when deciding to have sex right now this instant, and during the course of having sex this way, there is a feeling of enhanced spontaneity which can be thrilling to each of you. Doggy style sex When you’re in a gentle and loving relationship, the gay-missionary will often be your standard posiion. It can feel intimate, rather than purely sexual, involving his mind as well as his body. But it’s good to experiment – your sex life will thrive on variety – and having sex doggy style in a loving relationship has a lot of advantages. If you’re being bottom, penetration can feel harder and deeper. Enjoy that. Stretch and flex your spine so he’ll need to touch it and stroke it. Encourage him to stroke and slap your buttocks. You’ll be getting way more feeling there. Also, you don’t have to stay down all the time. You can rise to a kneeling position so he’ll slow and hold you. And if it gets too intense you can always turn round. You can use more than one position. If you’re the top, you get to move at a real pace, but remember to slow down and vary it. You’ll both enjoy better sex if you do. From behind, he looks so sexy, and you can lose yourself in that sight, but take time as well to fall forward and hold him. You need to keep up a feeling of intimacy. Get a feel for his whole body mass, the whole life bundled inside that body, not just the appearance. Talk to him. Tell him how beautiful he looks. You’re the one here who’s most obviously in charge so it’s important to take responsibility for making him happy. Enjoy the extra dimension this position will add to your love life. Remember it’s about love too – that isn’t a dirty word – not ‘just’ sex. At the end, or before you switch roles, take time to look in each other’s face again. Kiss him and hold him. Keep yourselves intimate. The pelvic tilt It’s a slow love position – and the prostate sensation is great. Build it into the earlier stages of your next sex session, or, if you’re aiming for simultaneous orgasms, switch to it as you’re nearing the end. The bottom can either fall back to be penetrated, or, while the top kneels, he can squat over him to sit on the penis before lying down. The top then begins with a slow, rocking motion, driven only through the pelvis, with the emphasis on finding the depth. He’s free to stroke and masturbate his partner, but should avoid bringing him too close to orgasm – unless it’s nearing the end and the top is ready for orgasm too. There is some scope for increasing the pace, though much less manoeuverability than you would have kneeling. When you want to go faster, that’s when to change position. The bottom might choose to relax and simply receive, or, with a little effort, push himself up and down onto the shaft, working his anus against the root. As ever, explore variations. With a few minutes’ practice you’ll find yourselves understanding and anticipating the other’s movements. Stay sensitive to what he's doing and fluency is easily achieved.